Someone said...
...that even if your life is worthless, it'll eventually bring good luck.
But that's just a lie.
I'm a totally useless old man,
and I've never heard of a god who would bestow charity on someone like me.
[Teriyaki Western Bar JANGO] [Note: Spoof of the movie "Sukiyaki Western Django."]
Until today, that is.
What a seedy bar...
There're so many shabby customers here that are just like me.
This place is a real dunghill, but...
...there is a goddess...
Come on! Jessica-chan! Look at me!
[Note: Spoof of Sin City and the actress Jessica Alba who played the dancer.]
Jessica... It sounds like the name of a goddess.
It looks like my luck is changing.
Nope, I'm totally wrong.
You don't have any money and yet you walk into this bar?! What a loser!
Get out of here, you bastard!
How true is it, "There's one law for the rich, and another for the poor."
The poor guy is a loser dog, after all.
What a wonderful life. Damn it...
[The man who was run over by a mysterious old geezer is Madao, Taizo Hasegawa (38 years old).]
[Note: Madao (MArude DAmena Ossan) means a totally useless old man.]
[This is the "totally useless old man." Will something happen during his hospital stay?]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where did you get these?
Did you go to Ryugujo, old lady? Your face does look like a prune.
[Note: Ryugujo is a palace at the bottom of the sea where the Dragon God lives.]
I'm going to kill you, mop head! My friend gave these to me.
The fridge broke, so they all went bad. Please help us throw them out.
I wish I could help eat them. What a waste.
Hey, you! Don't even think about eating these.
You'll get food poisoning from eating rotten crabs.
Stop saying things like that.
Even someone like me wouldn't stoop to eating rotten food.
When crab rots, it can't be eaten. But when a samurai rots, it's still a samurai.
Remember that, old lady.
Yeah, yeah... Just get rid of it.
Ow...
My stomach is spinning!
That's why I told them not to eat it.
They're so stupid...
Hurry up and go see a doctor, too, stupid.
["The More Delicious the Food, The Nastier It Is When It Goes Bad"]
It's said that when your life drops to its lowest point, then there's nowhere to go but up.
But I don't know where the lowest point is.
Anyway, I only remember the bad things.
I lost my job, my wife left me and people called me "Madao."
["I can't live with a Madao like you anymore. From Hatsu."]
Even kids held me in contempt.
I'm injured in mind and body, and God is still giving me unwelcome presents like this,
as if laughing at me.
There's nothing I can do but laugh...
Just kill me already! You must hate me, right, God?!
I hate you, too, idiot!
Hasegawa-san...
Geez. I told you not to smoke in here.
Ah... Sorry...I just...
And you shouldn't walk around yet.
It's not good for your injuries. Let's get back to your room.
Y-Yeah...
She's Uchino-san, a nurse at this hospital. She's a sweet person.
Takes good care of others and gives me a lot of attention.
To all the patients, she's like an angel.
For me, it's like a dream that she's taking care of me like this.
But this dream can't last...
...because a dream is...
You said food tastes best just before it goes bad! That was completely rotten!
Don't go blaming this on me!
Anyone past the age of sixteen is responsible for their own stomach, idiot!
What?! You mop-head!
You want to fight, Four-eyes?!
Nurse, seconds, please!
Ah, they just checked in today. Please get along with them.
Yes...my dreams always turn into nightmares.
Hey!
What are you guys doing?!
Head nurse!
Stop it, you no good patients!
Why me?!
Please stop it, Head Nurse! Stop! Stop!
Hey, another helping please!
I see... You are all friends of Hasegawa-san.
That's good for you, Hasegawa-san. Now you won't feel lonely staying at the hospital.
That's not it, Uchino-san. We both just have rotten luck.
Hey, hey. We're a little sensitive to the word "rotten." So, please don't say it.
But I guess you're really out of luck.
You were run over by a car driven by a mysterious man?
It's rare to encounter a mystery man in civilized society.
Hey, why are you eating all my get-well gifts as if it was yours?
Hasegawa-san, you're a living reminder that there are worse things than food poisoning.
Thank you, Banana Old Man.
No, no. It's not "Banana Old Man." It's "Old Man's Banana."
You're eating right after getting food poisoning? You guys must be really healthy.
Hasegawa-san, you should eat a lot and get well soon!
Why is a healthy person like you eating it, too?!
Well, I have to get back to work.
Please be nice to each other.
Ouch!
...Gin-san, nurses are really amazing, aren't they?
For example, take a woman who's a 7...
Put her in a nurse's uniform and she becomes a 10.
Really? Then if I wear a nurse's uniform, I'll be awesome. What would my score be?
A 3!
Hey, what does that mean?
But then I'd have to start from zero. Is it starting from zero? Hey!
But something's strange...
Huh?
...about Uchino-san...
She always was a klutz, but she's really out of her head these days.
She's not the kind of girl who'd eat someone else's banana.
What? You're still pissed off about bananas?
Are you a reincarnated chimpanzee, you idiot?!
I'm not talking about bananas! I'm just worried there's something wrong with her!
Speak of the devil...
What is she doing? Why is her face all red?
It looks like she's staring into that patient's room...
Ah-ha!
Hasegawa-san, she looks to be sick, but not physically sick.
Hey, hey... Don't tell me...
Look, they're all old farts. There's no way she's lovesick for them.
She's got a daddy complex. Daddy complex.
Looking at wrinkled ball sacks made her remember her dead father.
Why ball sacks?! You could've just said "wrinkly face"!
You just like to say "ball sacks"!
...Huh? Whoa! Wh-What's that?! There's something weird over there.
Huh? That is...
Zu...
...Zura?!
Hey, that's not very nice, you know...
...Spying on me from behind... Well, it can't be helped if you've already found out.
That's right... I'm in love...with him...
I don't even know anything about him. He's not even my patient.
But when we passed each other in the hallway...
He had these intense and beautiful eyes... I can't stop thinking about him...
Hey, Uchee, I hate to say it, but that guy's trouble.
He doesn't look it, but he's a wanted-
I don't care!
That's all right... I kind of understood...
that he's someone I shouldn't get close to. He's from another world...
And I won't be able to see him again, anyway...
As it is... I don't know him very well... Just as a beautiful memory...I'll keep in my heart.
You're satisfied with that?
Talking it out makes me feel a lot better. Thank you.
It looks like Katsura-san is here just to look after Elizabeth-san.
Elizabeth was also run over by a mysterious old geezer.
Really? There're so many mysterious old men around that no one's mysterious anymore.
They're just ordinary old men!
That's not going to work at all. Ah, I know! Let's just call him "Na-san" for short.
[Note: Nazo means "mysterious." Thus Na-san.]
I really don't care.
Gin-san, you're a friend of Katsura-san, right? Can't you do something?
Huh? You trying to play cupid?
An arrow shot by a cupid whose wife dumped him won't even pierce a tissue.
It's like Pochy. Pochy.
[Note: Parody of Picky = Pochy]
You leave Hatsu out of this!
Convincing a stubborn person like him is impossible. It's impossible.
He's really hardheaded, like a junior high school student.
Besides, I don't want to owe him anything.
You guys, when are you going to pay me back for wrecking my convenience store?
Ah...
I had a series of misfortunes and was really depressed.
She really eased my heart, even though it was just part of her job...
...she gave me hope.
I'll be out of the hospital soon, so I want to pay her back somehow... And, you know...
...a good woman deserves to be happy.
So they're discharging you tomorrow...
But you really had a lot of grief this time, Elizabeth.
Next time when you cross the street,
you've got to check for cars even if it's a green light.
Just hitting the stone bridge before crossing isn't enough in this mad world.
You need to shoot it with a bazooka before crossing.
Hmm... You may be young, but you know the score!
But that's still positive thinking, right, Hasegawa-kun?
It's sweeter than scrambled eggs made by an old lady, right, Hasegawa-kun?
[Note: A word play on the word Amai which has two meanings, "Optimistic" and "Sweet"]
That's right, Doctor.
After destroying the stone bridge with a bazooka,
you should cross over the concrete bridge next to it with a jet, right, Hasegawa-kun?
Doctor, I wouldn't know anything about crossing bridges.
Anyway, I have something to ask you, young man.
How about I give you a checkup?
Hey, what are you doing?!
Hands off me! I'm healthy. Where are you taking me?
[Neurosurgical Wing]
I said I don't need it.
I don't have the time to worry about my own health.
Protecting the country is my only mission.
What are you saying, young man?
How're you gonna take care of the country when you can't even look after yourself?
Take a look at this.
This is a photo of your brain we just took.
I don't remember having that taken.
It was taken just a while ago, like "crunch," right, Hasegawa-kun?
"Crunch"? Can taking X-ray photos sound like eating a snack, Hasegawa-kun?
Please look right here. Here.
You see this ominous dark spot, right?
Huh? Hey, the dark spot has grown larger. What's going on?
No...
You bastard! I told you to use a permanent marker.
Doctor, please stop.
We don't want the patients to know we're having an affair!
I'm leaving.
W-W-Wait, please calm down.
The ink was only to mark the troubled spot!
There's something terrible going on in your brain right now.
If you don't take care of it quickly, in a matter of days your head will...uh...it'll go BOOM.
What's with that?
If you don't check in to the hospital, your head will go BOOM.
...My head will go BOOM?
Stop clowning around.
Damn it! Did he find out?!
I can't fall ill when my country needs me! Please cure me!
Ah...
This guy's a moron...
D-Don't worry. You'll be okay if you just check into the hospital!
I don't have time to stay in a hospital.
I don't care if the treatment is harsh. Just quickly cure me.
You're really something... It's not our fault if you die.
Kagurazaka-kun, get me that thing!
I don't what "that" is.
Just prepare whatever. Or I'll kill you, Kagurazaka-kun.
Anyway, we're going to take your Zentogen, so come over here... Zentogen?
[Note: Parody of Rentogen, the Japanese word for X-ray.]
What're Zentogen, Hasegawa-kun?
How do I know? You're the one who wants it!!
Well, it's all right. It's a powerful machine that will uproot the source of your illness.
Get inside the machine. Go!
Where's the machine?!
That can't be...
Just get inside.
[Box says: Extra Stiff Adult Diapers]
Inside!
Let's do it! Beat him up so they'll keep him in the hospital!
Gintoki!
What are you doing in a place like this?
Hey, tell me, what's going on?
Katsura-san, I'm really sorry. We have no resentment towards you. But just...
Don't say anything, just check into the hospital!!
Have you guys gone mad?! I'll make you bite off your own heads!
Hasegawa-san!
What's the matter? What happened?
Uchino-san...You're still young...
You shouldn't give up so easily...
Hasegawa-san!
My health isn't just important to me. It's for the country.
I won't let you guys mess me up so easily...
Hey!
...Huh?
What are you guys doing?!
Head Nurse! Please stop, Head Nurse!
Kill me! Kill me!
Ouch... Gee, what a mess.
Why do we have to stay in the hospital longer?!
Well, interfering with someone's love affairs can only bring bad luck.
But that's all right. Something like this happens only once in a while.
I heard that Katsura-san was hospitalized after all.
Looks like the head nurse beat him to a pulp.
The rest is up to Uchino-san. There's nothing more we can do.
Speaking of that... It looks like Uchino-san has confessed.
All the patients are so excited! It's like their Uchee has a boyfriend.
What?! You're kidding!!
She was going to forget about him, but then she got her chance.
She must have felt like she had to do something.
Do you really think so?
A totally useless old man... Maybe he gave her some courage?
Idiot...
There's no way a lady in love would notice a Madao.
But I still can't believe... About Zura...
Ah, look over there.
You see? Over there!
Wow, it looks like she's having fun.
It's so good to be young...
Who's that?
It's her boyfriend with the intense eyes who's from a different world.
...Ah, I see... That's what it is...
Here we go...
Hey, did you hear about Uchino-san?
Yeah, I heard. It's unbelievable.
Why is she with that thing?
I was certain she liked the guy with the long hair.
And, you know... That strange thing was also hit by a mysterious old geezer.
Just like the man with sunglasses.
That's right.
Who is the mysterious old geezer, anyway?
Mysterious old man is too long, so why don't you call him "Na-san"?
Sounds perfect!
Excuse me, ladies.
How about having lunch during lunch time?
[Spoof of scene from Sin City movie.]
["Gin-san Has Turned Into An Invisible Man"]
I feel awful. Am I still hung over from drinking sake last night? Here we go...
Huh? No one's here. Hey, Kagura, it's morning. Wake up!
Huh? Huh? What's this? I can't see myself! What does this mean? Eh?
It's not just that I can't see myself, but I'm also invisible! Wh-Wh-What's going on?!
Invisible man? Did I turn into an invisible man?!
Hey, Kagura! Oh, my god! Kagura, wake up! Kagura!
What? Gin-chan? You're too noisy this early in the morning... Huh?
Where are you, Gin-chan?
Even Kagura has turned invisible!
Invisible? Huh? I can't see myself? What's this? What's going on?
I really don't know, but we've become invisible men.
What?! An invisible man has appeared?
But an invisible man shouldn't be able to appear!
Stop saying things like "Mii and Kay."
[Note: Mii and Kay make up the PINK LADY duo band who's hit song was "Invisible Man."]
Anyway, we can't see ourselves! What does this mean?
D-D-Don't tell me that you're naked...right now, Kagura!
But I can't see you either, Gin-chan.
What?! Oh, it's true! This is really bad.
Even if we're like father and daughter,
a young man and girl naked under one roof is...
I'm not a little girl anymore.
No! Where's your common sense?! Don't say something like that!
Sadaharu! He's invisible, too!
Ow... Huh? I'm wearing my clothes.
Even my clothes are invisible. What's really going on?
I'm completely naked.
What?!
Just kidding.
Don't make fun of adults!
Ouch! You're so mean, Gin-chan.
But I can't believe even Sadaharu is invisible.
Ow, ow, ow! He's biting me! Biting! Sadaharu is biting me!
Gin-san!
Oh, it's Shinpachi!
We have a problem!
Gin-san, we have a problem!
Ouch...
Shinpachi?! Don't tell me you're invisible, too.
Everyone in Edo has turned invisible.
But the strange thing is, even their clothes and glasses are invisible.
I'm completely naked.
What?!
Just kidding.
I already told you, stop it.
Ouch!
Anyway, we have to find the cause...
Ow, ow, ow! He's biting me! Biting! Sadaharu is biting me!
Sadaharu, stop it!
Ouch! Kagura, that's not Sadaharu.
Sadaharu, no!
Ouch! Kagura-chan, that's me!
Hey, Sadaharu!
Ow! Kagura-chan, you knew all along and you're doing it on purpose?
Of course not!
Ow!
Anyway, regardless of what we're doing here,
the people watching us on TV can only see the background.
What the hell is going on?!
[Director of Photography]
Ah, I forgot to turn on the cell.
[Cell A - Gin-san]
[BG - Yorozuya] [Cell C] [BG]
Ah...
The next episode... "If You Want To Lose Weight, Then Stop Eating and Start Moving."
[FASTING DOJO]
[Because they've been neglecting their health, Kagura and the girls are experiencing extreme weight gain.]
[They've come to the Fasting Dojo to go on a fearless diet!]